I cannot seem to find you

So here I am, one year later and I swear I am a bigger mess now than I was when you left this world. I guess the realization of what it means has finally had a chance to sink in...and it's not pretty. :)

I am trying Marven, I really am but I don't think I do so well when you are not here. You always kept me so grounded and now my feet never seem to touch the ground at all. Life has been a whirlwind of changes since you have been gone and you know I don't do well with changes. Nothing is the same...nothing.
I think the most difficult change for me has been with where I run to, I have that instant knee jerk reaction to head to your room when I am dealing with anything but when I walk in there I cannot seem to find you sitting where you once were. If I stay in there long enough,  I do however begin to feel your presence and I know you are there but I can't see you or touch you and it drives me crazy. I hear you though.

I know my tears must make you mad because you never believed that death is the end but please have patience with me. I believe the same as you but I am not a patient person and you know that. I am not worried about not seeing you again because I know I will. But a year already seems too long to wait.

I can't really think right now so I will try to write more later, I think now I just need to cry and set all of this stuff that is going on inside of me free. I feel this weight as if it were an anchor, it's holding me down and the pain is just too much. I need your help once more, please help me let go  Please.