Happy Birthday

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTEN!

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I dont like this life without him.

 Everyday since his death, I wake up and just exist. 

I feel as if Im just going through the motions, not really participating.

My best friend is dead. 

18 years we spent together and now he is just gone. 

I dont know what to do with that, so I just cry.

I need him so badly right now, he could get me through this. 

I always knew this would be difficult but it's beyond anything I imagined it would be like.

My body hurts. 

Everything hurts without him.

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A Friendship is Born

I believe that the loneliest day of my whole life was the day that my newborn son was born still…but it was also the day that I discovered the greatest friendship of my life.

Mikey was just a kitten, 4 months old, I rescued his mother not long before he and his litter mates were born in my bed, yes, in my bed. The litter included 3 white kittens and 1 black and white kitten.

Shortly after the kittens were born, I found out that I was two months pregnant with my second child. My oldest daughter was living with her father so I was excited at the thought of little feet once again running around the house.

I think with all of the excitement of a new baby coming, I didn't get as caught up in the kittens as I would of if I hadn't been pregnant. I totally loved them and cared for them but hadn't formed any sort of bond with any of them at that point.

By the time the kittens had reached about 2 months of age, I noticed something odd about the one of the little boys…he didn’t seem to respond as the others did and he slept a whole lot more than the other kittens.

I had Mama cat set up in her own room with her kittens so she would have privacy and I could keep the kittens some what contained for the time being.

When I began to supplement their mother’s milk with kitten formula, the kittens would charge me as soon as they heard the door opening…except for one little kitten, he would just be sleeping away. I would walk over to him and touch him and it would startle him so he would let out the loudest little meow for a kitten. He always drank his milk but I was concerned, I thought he was sick at first but it wasn't long before I realized that he couldn't hear.

I performed a few home made hearing tests at home to come to this conclusion. He was definitely deaf.

By three months of age this little kitty guy had taken over the house, he was so full of life and mischief. He terrorized his brother and sisters, they would let out screeches that he just did not hear when he attacked them, life was interesting.

I was then 5 months along in my pregnancy and the thoughts of how I would care for this deaf cat in the future was weighing on me heavily. How would I do this with a new baby? How would he be with a new baby? So far, seeing how he played with his siblings was not so encouraging.

I thought about finding him another home which is not my style at all but I felt pressured with a new baby coming and my concerns on how I could manage this were very real.

I decided to wait and see how things would go. I had no idea of the journey I was about to set out on, no idea at all.

As I approached my sixth month of pregnancy, I was finally feeling pregnant, my ultrasound 2 weeks prior showed that I was carrying a healthy little boy, it also showed that I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage. (Bleeding between the amniotic sac and the placenta) My doctor assured me everything was fine and that I should carry on as usual and so that is what I did but on June 30, 2003, I woke up feeling anything but usual.

My tummy kept tightening and when I asked the doctor about this at my previous appointment he said it was just Braxton hicks, false contractions that prepare for the baby. I tried to keep that in mind that morning but I didn't feel right but I felt like a pest to keep asking my doctor so I waited it out, knowing it would pass but by that evening, I had noticed that the baby was moving around a lot more than usual and by 10pm I felt like I was in labor.

After arriving at the hospital and having some tests, I was told that I would be delivering my son and that he would not survive.

I listened to his heartbeat all night long on the monitor and by day light the doctors and nurses were telling me to push as I refused. I knew he could not survive outside of me but nature took over and my son was born.

He never took a breath.

Leaving the hospital without a baby in my arms was one of the most disturbing experiences of my life. I am thankful that I was allowed time with my son before leaving that day, it helped but my heart was broken right in two, I just wanted to go home.

When I walked in the house, I hadn't thought about all of his things that were already set up in his bedroom, I immediately went to his room, I needed to be near him and these were his things.

The door to his room had always been closed but on that day it was open a little. When I walked into the room, the first thing I saw was my sons bassinet and the tears just fell.

As I walked closer to the little baby bed I saw this little white kitten curled up in a little ball fast asleep in the bassinet. There were no other cats in his room, just this one.

I lifted him out of the bassinet to carry him out of the baby’s room and noticed that it felt good to hold him in my arms, he was warm and didn't resist being held at all. I carried him to my room as I was exhausted. I put him on my bed and then I sat there beside him, I grabbed a pillow and cried like I had never cried before.

This cry came from a place within me that I never knew existed because I had never lost a child before and this cry is especially made for this loss.

I felt so lonely in that moment, so incredibly lonely, my entire body ached for that lost little boy.

I woke up a couple of hours later to something scratchy on my face, it took a moment to realize that this little kitten I earlier brought into my room was now licking my face, he was licking dried tears I thought, and then wet ones as I began to cry again, he never left me, when he was done cleaning me up, he curled up in my arms and that is where he stayed until I woke up again. This time when I woke up I found myself looking for him to be there and he was right there, I was comforted.

We had a long night that night, but I wasn’t alone and my arms, they were not empty.

I don’t remember seeing any of my other cats during this time…just this one.

By morning I managed to get to the bathroom and before I could shut the door he wormed his way in.

He has followed me every day since.

I began calling this little kitten of mine “My Kitty”, I lacked anything creative at the time. But I did realize that if I said “My Kitty” fast enough…it sounded a lot like “Mikey” and so he had a name and I had just made a friend that would become my Rock through the toughest of times and a light for me to hold as I walked through the darkest hours of my life.

The days and weeks and even months ahead were difficult for me to deal with, I had never given a moments thought about what would happen if I lost my child, no one ever thinks this will happen so when it does you are completely unprepared.

I found myself picking out a casket instead of baby clothes, purchasing a burial plot instead of swings or strollers and planning a funeral for a child that nobody even had a chance to meet except for a select few.

During this time, while I was grieving, the only thing that seemed to bring a smile upon my face was Mikey. For a kitten, he was so aware of how I felt; it was as if he were looking after me when it was I who should have been looking after him.

Depression can set in pretty rapidly after going through something like this but it didn’t happen that way because after a few weeks of being cared for by this amazing little guy, I knew I would need to begin figuring out how I would care for him and his needs as a deaf kitten.

I spent countless hours researching his deafness as he sat on top of my monitor or slept on my printer, he never left my side for long.
It wasn’t too long thereafter that I began to see the sun shining again, I was stepping slowly out of the darkness and with each step I took, Mikey stepped with me.

Some people have questioned my devotion to Mikey and have viewed him as spoiled and all I can do is smile because he is absolutely spoiled, as he should be.

When I look at him, I don’t see a pet, I barely see a cat or an animal. What I do see is this beautiful soul who chose to be my friend when I really needed one.

Most kittens just play and are busy just being kittens but I’m convinced that Mikey’s mission was so much more than this, I know we were always meant to be friends.

Today he is 16 years old, he has become a part of who I am. Our lives now are so full of joy and laughter.

On June 29th 2005, almost two years to the day after I lost my son…Miss Haley was born…healthy. Haley calls Mikey her older brother… and he is.

As Mikey approaches his senior years, I know I will someday have to face a day when he will no longer be next to me, at least not in a bodily sense. I will never be sorry and for Mikey, I will be strong no matter what because he deserves me to be.

I have learned so much from our friendship and I am a better person today because of him.

I became a photographer because of Mikey’s beautiful face, captivated by his loving heart that always seems to show up in every image I take of him. He seems to reach even those who only know him in pictures and he has become my little ‘Rockstar’ through my lens.

In my heart however, he will remain my ‘hero’ for all of time…. because he rescued me… because he saved my life.

Model is Mikey.

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No News is better than biased News

I miss the days when we could turn on the news or open a newspaper and actually get the damn news.

Those days are so over and it really pisses me off.

Now a days I get one sentence into an article and it is so obvious as to whether it's being written by a liberal or a conservative and it's bullshit.

It should be written by a journalist but they dont exist anymore.

I really dont want to read what their opinion is on the matter, I just want the fucking news.

You cant trust any of them anymore and that is too bad because I really use to enjoy tne news, now I just pass.

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Taylor Swift is the BEST kind of Feminist

I am not a Swifty, at least not the teenage version of one. Lol
Instead, I am a 47 year old admirer.
I guess technically that would make me a Swifty but I lack the raw enthusiasm that these young girls seem to display when they talk about Taylor.
However, what I lack in actual energy, I make up for in absolute respect for this amazing individual.

Now, I understand that everyone has an opinion about Taylor Swift these days because judging people from our couches has become the thing to do.
Well, I have an opinion too. 😁

I am a Mother of a 12 year old girl who is a true Swifty. I also have a 23 year old daughter that likes Taylor as well.
I have spent the last decade singing along to Taylor's many hit songs and the songs that were not hits also.

First is the obvious, the girl can write.  Anyone who wants to dispute this fact is purely being spiteful.
I may have daughters who listen to her music but don't misunderstand me, when I am alone in my car, I'm still listening to Taylor Swift.

Why?

Because I know she is writing those songs about Me and My life that's why. LOL
She might as well be because almost every word of most of her songs fits my life perfectly.
Breakups? Oh I have have had so many.
Am I a serial dater? Yep. Or at least I use to be.
You see, most of us keep dating until we find the right guy, that's how it. works.
It has been so nice of Taylor to write a song about each of them, it has REALLY helped me get through them all. :) I'm laughing but I'm serious.

But that is her charm.

Despite everything, Taylor Swift is relatable to the average girl.

I realize she is not relatable to some of you but that is only because she doesnt hate on the same people you hate, she saves it for the people who have actually done something wrong to HER.
I love that about her. I love how she decides what is best for herself instead of allowing others to pressure her into thinking like them.

And thats what you hate about her, she refuses to go with your flow.

As a Mother, this alone makes her a winner to me. What a great message to send to our daughters.
She has told them in her own way that it doesn't matter what "everyone" thinks or what 'everyone' is doing.
She has told them that they can have their own beliefs and still succeed in this life. They can carve their own path.

 I hope her Mom is proud of her, I know she is and she really should be.

Taylor's message is being heard by millions of girls and that for Me makes her
the ultimate feminist.
Because being a feminist doesn't mean that you have to hate men or even Trump.
It's about loving yourself enough to know you don't have to hate anyone nor do you have to voice your opinion on issues you do not feel you know enough about.

Everyone keeps talking about how she has kept silent but no, she has not. She straight up said she did not feel she knew enough about politics to speak about it. With her influence that was a very responsible position for her to take but more than that it was a position she had a right to take because she lives in America.
She doesn't have to like politics if she doesn't want to and who she voted for is none of our damn business...she is a Musician not a Politician

Taylor has exercised her right to think what she wants to think and her right to do it her way and that my friend, is feminism in perfect form.

Back to her music, which is where we should be really because being a singer/songwriter/musician should mean that her music is what it is all about.

Reputation is almost my favorite album yet and it may end up being just that once I get unstuck from the songs I am stuck on at the moment and listen to the rest of her album. Lol
So far it is so good.

So here is my mini review on what I have already gotten addicted to from her new album Reputation...

'Look what you made me do'

As soon as I heard the first line I was totally sold. And for those of you trying to make this song about her not taking some sort of responsibility...Give me a break...listen to the fucking song, pay attention.

Kim and Kanye tried to take her down. He wrote a song about wanting to sleep with Taylor, she didn't ask him to write it, he did this on his own. Who gives a shit if she knew or not? Why was he writing a song like that at all about Taylor? They were suppose to friends and why is his wife defending this? Does she even know how lame she looks sticking up for her husband who is singing about how he wants to have sex with another woman? And yet this doesn't raise any feminist failure flags for you? Really? I use to like her a little but she lost me on this one.
This song is telling them that it didn't work, they didn't take her down, she is stronger than ever and all they have really done is help her make millions of dollars and an album that is now the Top Selling album of the flippin year.

Thats is what they made her do.

Onwards...

'Ready for it'

I didnt like it at first but now I cannot get the chorus out of my head.

In the middle of the night, in my dreams
You should see the things we do, baby
In the middle of the night, in my dreams
I know I'm gonna be with you
So I take my time
Are you ready for it?

I love this pop sound she has grown into, its amazing and I like Country music but I will listen to pop just to hear her.

'End Game'

I love it. She is straight rapping, I hate rap, LOL but when she does it... it sounds so good. Lol
Her writing...really is amazing.

I don't wanna touch you, I don't wanna be

Just another ex-love you don't wanna see

I don't wanna miss you (I don't wanna miss you)

Like the other girls do

I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna be

Drinking on a beach with you all over me

I know what they all say, yeah, but I ain't tryna play

'I did something bad'

I love this song but I cannot help thinking that this is how bad she wishes she could be because I cannot see her actually being this bad. Lol Hey, but it fits my life like a damn glove. Lol


'Delicate'

I love this song, it is exactly how it is when you first get with someone. Reminds me of Out of the woods with the meaning of the lyrics but instead of asking, she has grown up and now just says what she feels and asks questions later.

Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
Is it cool that I said all that
Is it too soon to do this yet?
'Cause I know that it's delicate
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?

'Dont blame me'

This is the current song that I have on repeat all day long, no shit. I am so in love with this song. Her voice has matured so much and sounds better than ever, this song is so so good.

Don't blame me, love made me crazy
If it doesn't, you ain't doing it right
Lord, save me, my drug is my baby
I'll be using for the rest of my life

'Dress'

WOW. JUST WOW
Ok maybe more than wow. Yikes!  Taylor is now an adult and this song is so hot.

All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation
My hands are shaking from holding back from you (ah, ah, ah)
All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting
My hands are shaking from all this (ah, ha, ha, ha)

Her voice is so sultry and I love her sighs and I like boys but I have a girl crush now. Lol

'Call it what you want'

What a great song. I love how she has mixed this one up. She starts off talking about the drama and actually being accountable because she knows her actions should have been different with how she handled kanye on the phone but she is human. She is nice and sometimes being nice makes us not stand up initially when we are put on the spot about something.

My castle crumbled overnight
I brought a knife to a gunfight 
They took the crown, but it's alright

I know when she got off the phone with him she must of been thinking WTF but she didnt say that because she is nice.
She has learned a good lesson in life ...some people are dirtbags even when you are nice.
This song is an acknowledgement of knowing this but it lets us know that their drama is not what matters to her because she is loved despite their efforts to make her feel otherwise.

'New Years Day'

This song makes me happy, makes me cry, its all the feels.

So those are the songs I am currently obsessed with.
Oh wait, I forgot one...

'This is why we cant have nice things'

LOL LOL LOL
BEST SONG OF ALL.

This is what really happened and you know what? Kim and Kanye are idiots because all Taylor Swift ever did was make them two look good.
But people like that cannot have nice things..

It was so nice being friends again
There I was giving you a second chance
But you stabbed my back while shaking my hand
And therein lies the issue
Friends don't try to trick you
Get you on the phone and mind-twist you
And so I took an axe to a mended fence


***All Lyrics by Taylor Swift 2017
*********************************************

So, as far as I am concerned, buying Taylor's album was so worth the money, I have at least 2 years of listening ahead of me.
I didn't take 1989 out of the cd player in my car until Reputation arrived in the mail.

Definitely worth 15 bucks.


Ok, so maybe I am a Swifty. I am totally ok with that. :)

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What does a heart attack feel like?

Since I had my heart attack last Thursday...this has been the most popular question from the people I know.

So, I thought I would share how it was for me without all of the medical terminology.

Last Thursday I woke up at 5:30 am to an actual heart attack. I struggled to get to the bathroom to pee because I was so dizzy... and not your average lightheaded dizzy but full on the room was totally moving kind of dizzy.

After going pee I decided I needed to get to the living room where my boyfriend was (thank goodness he hadn't left for work yet)
There was no way in heck that I could walk so I dropped down to the floor and crawled out of the bathroom and down the hall.

Feeling dizzy was only part of it...I was sweating the coldest sweat of my life...I had never felt anything like this ever. I was drenched in sweat and my boyfriend said when he touched me  I felt ice cold to him too.

My heart didn't hurt.

I had a cramping sensation that went from my right arm, across my back, between my shoulder blades and then to my left arm.
I could feel this up my neck as well and around the front of my chest. It was up high on my chest, right below my neck not where my heart is. Very strange.

And I couldn't breathe well. My air was not totally cut off but I felt like I was panting. It didn't hurt to breathe in but it was almost impossible to exhale. Talking was so difficult.

My hands were tingling and so were my feet.

Scary stuff.

The paramedics showed up in under 9 minutes but here is the kicker...

My blood pressure was totally normal.

Pulse rate was totally normal.

The portable EKG thingy they brought into the house to check me with came back normal.

They thought I was having an anxiety attack but loaded me into the ambulance (I walked with one on each arm)
Once inside the ambulance, the paramedic just looked at me so puzzled but began asking me a series of questions that I could not answer which then led to him using a 12 lead ECG on me...

His discovery was that I was having a massive heart attack.

From there it was all a blur, between the aspirin I was trying to chew and the Nitro that was dissolving under my tongue I was fading in and out of sleep. They actually pulled over on the side of the road to work on me, got the IV started and gave me pain meds and then we started driving again but this time with the sirens going and I remember asking the paramedic at that point if I was going to die...He said "no way". :)

I was taken to a heart Hospital in Portland and they put two stents in my heart through my wrist.
I remember them cutting off my shirt and telling me to stop wiggling around because the table was thin and they didn't want me to fall off. That's it.

I woke up in the ICU Recovery Unit a little while later, not even sure what time it was, maybe 8:30am.

I stayed the night so they could monitor me and was released the next day with a bunch of meds and fear of dying that I have never known before.

I am managing it but 1 week later I am still pretty frightened about  what happened that morning.

Having a heart attack didn't hurt much, not like I always imagined it would. It was uncomfortable.
I had been having symptoms for about week prior to this and I knew something was not right but had hoped the symptoms would go away.

• I was getting a little dizzy just sitting down when I was doing nothing at all.

• I could feel my heart beating which had been happening for a long time but as the last week grew closer it was more apparent and the beating was very erratic.

• I had sharp pains in my heart that only lasted a few seconds.

• About three days prior to the Heart attack I was having small heart attacks that would come in waves. Once I would sit down and relax they would subside. 

I thought I had a pinched nerve in my back and neck, that's how it felt.

The good news in all of this is that there was no damage to my heart at all. The Right coronary artery was blocked but they fixed it in time.
Crazy though because my brain just won't let this go, the damage this has done to my well being is another story all together.

I hope this info will help someone else.
Don't ignore your symptoms because you will most likely have some prior to your heart attack.

Listen to your body.

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I'm Just So Very Sorry

There is no amount of reasoning that can give you back the time that you have lost with someone you love.

This is the most difficult lesson of all.

Children grow up so fast, there is no time to point fingers and try to justify your absence.

Looking back, I could give 100 excuses for why I had to stop..

But not one of those excuses will allow me to help you get ready for your prom or be there to see you you graduate from high school. 

And all of the little things that happen in between are just gone.

Regret is a strong word but it doesn't really tell the whole story.

They say that you should not hold on to regrets...put them behind you but you see this is where that word doesn't fit because some things you cannot just let go of, some regrets are just too big.

My actions or non actions changed the course of our lives forever.

When I close my eyes I can picture you in your prom dress bebopping around the house, getting ready and I can picture you in your cap and gown grabbing a hold of your diploma. 

But then I see the empty space standing at the door wishing you the best night and that empty chair at your graduation. 

I see times when you cried and I wasn't there and times when you were laughing and I still wasn't there.

I just wasn't there.

How can that be?

You see, regret cannot describe how this feels to me now or how it felt to you.

I'm sorry. 

I'm just So very sorry.

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