My advice to women in abusive relationships and after you get out.
Im not going to pretend I know it all because that isnt true. I do know a lot though.
Unfortunately.
1. Dont listen to family and friends when they say get out right now. You know your situation like no one else does.
You know your abuser like no one else does. Plan your escape carefully because he will come after you. Make sure you are in the best possible position when that time comes.
Plan for you, your kids and your pets. Leave nothing behind that you cant stand losing. He will use it to hurt you if you leave it behind.
2. Get the cops involved. Talk to a neighbor and ask them to call the cops anonymously if they hear any ruckus your way. Its a footprint. Everytime they come to your house, there is a record of it. You will need this later.
3. When it is finally time to leave, get that restraining order and file for custody of your kids at the same time. No shit. Dont wait. You will regret it later if you do.
4. If they go to jail for any amount of time thats over a month. Thats your time.
Dont even consider fighting over the house unless you own it and even then, only fight to get your half of what its worth because if you stay there he will come home to that house when he is released from jail.
Know that.
5. Dont believe him when he says he is better and wants to be friends even if he has gone through a program. He will most likely never be better when it comes to you in any capacity. If given the chance to hurt you again he will do it; especially emotionally.
6. His future girlfriend will determine if he will fight you for custody of your kids later on. If she hates you, especially if you are above average looking she wont want her boyfriend or husband seeing you all the time. Watch out! This can happen.
7. Judges do give custody to abusers every day. Family court and Criminal Court dont cross over. GET AN ATTORNEY IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.
If its not possible then you better know your shit but be careful, if you talk too much shit they will think you are alienating your kids from their dad. Say what needs to be said and thats it. A judge will not think your kids are in danger just because he beat you up. Sad but so true.
8. In mediation over child custody DO NOT CRY no matter how your ex is baiting you. Just know the guy you knew before mediation is not the same guy you will see during mediation.
9. Try to avoid a court appointed mediator at all cost. Even if you have already had an outside mediator. The court appointed mediator will carry more weight in court.
10. Dont screw up at all during any of this and by screw up I mean do not even allow your license to expire, especially if you are a single mom. Your ducks need to be in a row.
11. If your ex is with a his new girlfriend and she happens to own her own home. Pray. No matter what you do, they will seem like the most stable option even if he has only been out of jail a year for beating the crap out of you. You need to be on top of your game.
12. Once they get your kids its almost impossible to get them back fully. If he was able to get the upper hand in court he will smear it in your face every chance he gets. He will get enjoyment out of people seeing you as the lesser parent. The worst part is that you will feel like the lesser parent.
13. If you can manage to hold onto a 50/50 split, dont mess up, especially if he has what looks like a happy home. It will take very little for a judge to swing it his way.
Important to remember
Family court and and criminal do not cross. If he has abused you, it will be up to you or your attorney to bring this up at the very beginning.
The judge will not be doing a background check on him from his computer. No red flag will come up when he sees his name next to yours.
You are responsible for this evidence being brought into family court. If you dont bring it in, it will never be mentioned.
But here's the kicker...
ONLY bring in evidence especially with no attorney. That line you will be walking is like a sliver because if that judge thinks for a second that you are exaggerating in any way, he will call it alienation and you will be lucky if you get to see your kids unsupervised. They can and will take your kids away from you...even if you have been their only caregiver the majority of the time, even if their dad abused you.
Its just that sad.
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