Nothing new

You take digs at me and I hope it makes you feel better. 

I am quite familiar with the digs because they echo someone else that I once knew. 

You can't hurt me anymore than I have hurt myself and you can't beat me up anymore than I have beat myself up. 

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WHAT TO DO AND NOT TO DO AFTER YOU LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

My advice to women in abusive relationships and after you get out.

Im not going to pretend I know it all because that isnt true. I do know a lot though.

Unfortunately.

1. Dont listen to family and friends when they say get out right now. You know your situation like no one else does. 

You know your abuser like no one else does. Plan your escape carefully because he will come after you. Make sure you are in the best possible position when that time comes. 

Plan for you, your kids and your pets. Leave nothing behind that you cant stand losing. He will use it to hurt you if you leave it behind.

2. Get the cops involved. Talk to a neighbor and ask them to call the cops anonymously if they hear any ruckus your way. Its a footprint. Everytime they come to your house, there is a record of it. You will need this later.

3. When it is finally time to leave, get that restraining order and file for custody of your kids at the same time. No shit. Dont wait. You will regret it later if you do. 

4. If they go to jail for any amount of time thats over a month. Thats your time. 

Dont even consider fighting over the house unless you own it and even then, only fight to get your half of what its worth because if you stay there he will come home to that house when he is released from jail. 

Know that. 

5. Dont believe him when he says he is better and wants to be friends even if he has gone through a program. He will most likely never be better when it comes to you in any capacity. If given the chance to hurt you again he will do it; especially emotionally.

6. His future girlfriend will determine if he will fight you for custody of your kids later on. If she hates you, especially if you are above average looking she wont want her boyfriend or husband seeing you all the time. Watch out! This can happen. 

7. Judges do give custody to abusers every day. Family court and Criminal Court dont cross over. GET AN ATTORNEY IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. 

If its not possible then you better know your shit but be careful, if you talk too much shit they will think you are alienating your kids from their dad. Say what needs to be said and thats it. A judge will not think your kids are in danger just because he beat you up. Sad but so true.

8. In mediation over child custody DO NOT CRY no matter how your ex is baiting you. Just know the guy you knew before mediation is not the same guy you will see during mediation. 

9. Try to avoid a court appointed mediator at all cost. Even if you have already had an outside mediator. The court appointed mediator will carry more weight in court. 

10. Dont screw up at all during any of this and by screw up I mean do not even allow your license to expire, especially if you are a single mom. Your ducks need to be in a row.

11. If your ex is with a his new girlfriend and she happens to own her own home. Pray. No matter what you do, they will seem like the most stable option even if he has only been out of jail a year for beating the crap out of you. You need to be on top of your game.

12. Once they get your kids its almost impossible to get them back fully. If he was able to get the upper hand in court he will smear it in your face every chance he gets. He will get enjoyment out of people seeing you as the lesser parent. The worst part is that you will feel like the lesser parent.

13. If you can manage to hold onto a 50/50 split, dont mess up, especially if he has what looks like a happy home. It will take very little for a judge to swing it his way. 

Important to remember

Family court and and criminal do not cross. If he has abused you, it will be up to you or your attorney to bring this up at the very beginning.  

The judge will not be doing a background check on him from his computer. No red flag will come up when he sees his name next to yours. 

You are responsible for this evidence being brought into family court. If you dont bring it in, it will never be mentioned. 

But here's the kicker...

ONLY bring in evidence especially with no attorney. That line you will be walking is like a sliver because if that judge thinks for a second that you are exaggerating in any way, he will call it alienation and you will be lucky if you get to see your kids unsupervised. They can and will take your kids away from you...even if you have been their only caregiver the majority of the time, even if their dad abused you.

Its just that sad.

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Just Shut Up and Vote

Instead of talking about it, just vote.

We are sick of the fighting.

We are sick of the hate.

We are sick of everyone always blaming someone else.

Take control of your own shit and stop acting like your way is the only way.

I don't care who you vote for, just shut up and vote.

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Mikey please come home

I wish it were this easy.

I wish I could just call him and ask him to come home. 

I need him so badly. 

I dont think anyone understands.

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Happy Birthday

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTEN!

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I dont like this life without him.

 Everyday since his death, I wake up and just exist. 

I feel as if Im just going through the motions, not really participating.

My best friend is dead. 

18 years we spent together and now he is just gone. 

I dont know what to do with that, so I just cry.

I need him so badly right now, he could get me through this. 

I always knew this would be difficult but it's beyond anything I imagined it would be like.

My body hurts. 

Everything hurts without him.

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A Friendship is Born

I believe that the loneliest day of my whole life was the day that my newborn son was born still…but it was also the day that I discovered the greatest friendship of my life.

Mikey was just a kitten, 4 months old, I rescued his mother not long before he and his litter mates were born in my bed, yes, in my bed. The litter included 3 white kittens and 1 black and white kitten.

Shortly after the kittens were born, I found out that I was two months pregnant with my second child. My oldest daughter was living with her father so I was excited at the thought of little feet once again running around the house.

I think with all of the excitement of a new baby coming, I didn't get as caught up in the kittens as I would of if I hadn't been pregnant. I totally loved them and cared for them but hadn't formed any sort of bond with any of them at that point.

By the time the kittens had reached about 2 months of age, I noticed something odd about the one of the little boys…he didn’t seem to respond as the others did and he slept a whole lot more than the other kittens.

I had Mama cat set up in her own room with her kittens so she would have privacy and I could keep the kittens some what contained for the time being.

When I began to supplement their mother’s milk with kitten formula, the kittens would charge me as soon as they heard the door opening…except for one little kitten, he would just be sleeping away. I would walk over to him and touch him and it would startle him so he would let out the loudest little meow for a kitten. He always drank his milk but I was concerned, I thought he was sick at first but it wasn't long before I realized that he couldn't hear.

I performed a few home made hearing tests at home to come to this conclusion. He was definitely deaf.

By three months of age this little kitty guy had taken over the house, he was so full of life and mischief. He terrorized his brother and sisters, they would let out screeches that he just did not hear when he attacked them, life was interesting.

I was then 5 months along in my pregnancy and the thoughts of how I would care for this deaf cat in the future was weighing on me heavily. How would I do this with a new baby? How would he be with a new baby? So far, seeing how he played with his siblings was not so encouraging.

I thought about finding him another home which is not my style at all but I felt pressured with a new baby coming and my concerns on how I could manage this were very real.

I decided to wait and see how things would go. I had no idea of the journey I was about to set out on, no idea at all.

As I approached my sixth month of pregnancy, I was finally feeling pregnant, my ultrasound 2 weeks prior showed that I was carrying a healthy little boy, it also showed that I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage. (Bleeding between the amniotic sac and the placenta) My doctor assured me everything was fine and that I should carry on as usual and so that is what I did but on June 30, 2003, I woke up feeling anything but usual.

My tummy kept tightening and when I asked the doctor about this at my previous appointment he said it was just Braxton hicks, false contractions that prepare for the baby. I tried to keep that in mind that morning but I didn't feel right but I felt like a pest to keep asking my doctor so I waited it out, knowing it would pass but by that evening, I had noticed that the baby was moving around a lot more than usual and by 10pm I felt like I was in labor.

After arriving at the hospital and having some tests, I was told that I would be delivering my son and that he would not survive.

I listened to his heartbeat all night long on the monitor and by day light the doctors and nurses were telling me to push as I refused. I knew he could not survive outside of me but nature took over and my son was born.

He never took a breath.

Leaving the hospital without a baby in my arms was one of the most disturbing experiences of my life. I am thankful that I was allowed time with my son before leaving that day, it helped but my heart was broken right in two, I just wanted to go home.

When I walked in the house, I hadn't thought about all of his things that were already set up in his bedroom, I immediately went to his room, I needed to be near him and these were his things.

The door to his room had always been closed but on that day it was open a little. When I walked into the room, the first thing I saw was my sons bassinet and the tears just fell.

As I walked closer to the little baby bed I saw this little white kitten curled up in a little ball fast asleep in the bassinet. There were no other cats in his room, just this one.

I lifted him out of the bassinet to carry him out of the baby’s room and noticed that it felt good to hold him in my arms, he was warm and didn't resist being held at all. I carried him to my room as I was exhausted. I put him on my bed and then I sat there beside him, I grabbed a pillow and cried like I had never cried before.

This cry came from a place within me that I never knew existed because I had never lost a child before and this cry is especially made for this loss.

I felt so lonely in that moment, so incredibly lonely, my entire body ached for that lost little boy.

I woke up a couple of hours later to something scratchy on my face, it took a moment to realize that this little kitten I earlier brought into my room was now licking my face, he was licking dried tears I thought, and then wet ones as I began to cry again, he never left me, when he was done cleaning me up, he curled up in my arms and that is where he stayed until I woke up again. This time when I woke up I found myself looking for him to be there and he was right there, I was comforted.

We had a long night that night, but I wasn’t alone and my arms, they were not empty.

I don’t remember seeing any of my other cats during this time…just this one.

By morning I managed to get to the bathroom and before I could shut the door he wormed his way in.

He has followed me every day since.

I began calling this little kitten of mine “My Kitty”, I lacked anything creative at the time. But I did realize that if I said “My Kitty” fast enough…it sounded a lot like “Mikey” and so he had a name and I had just made a friend that would become my Rock through the toughest of times and a light for me to hold as I walked through the darkest hours of my life.

The days and weeks and even months ahead were difficult for me to deal with, I had never given a moments thought about what would happen if I lost my child, no one ever thinks this will happen so when it does you are completely unprepared.

I found myself picking out a casket instead of baby clothes, purchasing a burial plot instead of swings or strollers and planning a funeral for a child that nobody even had a chance to meet except for a select few.

During this time, while I was grieving, the only thing that seemed to bring a smile upon my face was Mikey. For a kitten, he was so aware of how I felt; it was as if he were looking after me when it was I who should have been looking after him.

Depression can set in pretty rapidly after going through something like this but it didn’t happen that way because after a few weeks of being cared for by this amazing little guy, I knew I would need to begin figuring out how I would care for him and his needs as a deaf kitten.

I spent countless hours researching his deafness as he sat on top of my monitor or slept on my printer, he never left my side for long.
It wasn’t too long thereafter that I began to see the sun shining again, I was stepping slowly out of the darkness and with each step I took, Mikey stepped with me.

Some people have questioned my devotion to Mikey and have viewed him as spoiled and all I can do is smile because he is absolutely spoiled, as he should be.

When I look at him, I don’t see a pet, I barely see a cat or an animal. What I do see is this beautiful soul who chose to be my friend when I really needed one.

Most kittens just play and are busy just being kittens but I’m convinced that Mikey’s mission was so much more than this, I know we were always meant to be friends.

Today he is 16 years old, he has become a part of who I am. Our lives now are so full of joy and laughter.

On June 29th 2005, almost two years to the day after I lost my son…Miss Haley was born…healthy. Haley calls Mikey her older brother… and he is.

As Mikey approaches his senior years, I know I will someday have to face a day when he will no longer be next to me, at least not in a bodily sense. I will never be sorry and for Mikey, I will be strong no matter what because he deserves me to be.

I have learned so much from our friendship and I am a better person today because of him.

I became a photographer because of Mikey’s beautiful face, captivated by his loving heart that always seems to show up in every image I take of him. He seems to reach even those who only know him in pictures and he has become my little ‘Rockstar’ through my lens.

In my heart however, he will remain my ‘hero’ for all of time…. because he rescued me… because he saved my life.

Model is Mikey.

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