I cannot seem to find you

So here I am, one year later and I swear I am a bigger mess now than I was when you left this world. I guess the realization of what it means has finally had a chance to sink in...and it's not pretty. :)

I am trying Marven, I really am but I don't think I do so well when you are not here. You always kept me so grounded and now my feet never seem to touch the ground at all. Life has been a whirlwind of changes since you have been gone and you know I don't do well with changes. Nothing is the same...nothing.
I think the most difficult change for me has been with where I run to, I have that instant knee jerk reaction to head to your room when I am dealing with anything but when I walk in there I cannot seem to find you sitting where you once were. If I stay in there long enough,  I do however begin to feel your presence and I know you are there but I can't see you or touch you and it drives me crazy. I hear you though.

I know my tears must make you mad because you never believed that death is the end but please have patience with me. I believe the same as you but I am not a patient person and you know that. I am not worried about not seeing you again because I know I will. But a year already seems too long to wait.

I can't really think right now so I will try to write more later, I think now I just need to cry and set all of this stuff that is going on inside of me free. I feel this weight as if it were an anchor, it's holding me down and the pain is just too much. I need your help once more, please help me let go  Please.

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It is so loud in here...

When I am alone in this big old house like I am today, I find it so difficult to just concentrate.
Your memory is so loud and I can't help getting distracted by the sounds that I feel...in every room, you are there and I hear you, I see you and I know you are there because I feel you here

I hear you laughing over our morning coffee...
I hear your bed creak as you get up,  and the sound of your little freezer door opening and closing all day long as you take ice cream out to eat....and that guilty look on your face when I  walk in and you have the 5th or 6th one in your hand since morning....that look it speaks to me.

And the way your voice cracks when you try to complement my style when you know I am looking so funky...trying not to laugh you say instead that I look charming....

My phone it beeps though I no longer even have it but it has beeped from your texts for so long that I hear that in my head all the time, especially when I am here alone like today....just one more request you would say....maybe a sandwich or another cup of coffee or could you please let Jessie out? I wait for the sound of that text and maybe that's why I hear it...

Maybe its not how loud your memory has become at all, maybe it because it's just too quiet now and so I fill this space with the things that I know.... belong here.

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I am really getting sick of this.

I understand that life cannot always be a bowl of cherries, You know, I get that. But come on.

A week ago Thursday I watched my boss/friend/roommate of 10 years die from a ruptured Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm, right before my eyes. He was perfectly fine one minute and the next minute he was on the floor and I was calling 911. Marven and I knew he had the aneurysm for about two years now but it was suppose to be at a manageable size. Well, it grew and on Thursday July 26, 2012, it took his life. Marven was 72 years old and one of the best friends I have ever had. We have lived together for over 10 years, worked together for about 12 years, we were always "just friends" and it seemed to others a very odd set up we had here on this mountain with he, my daughter and myself but it wasn't odd to us, we were a family. Bob, Marven's nephew moved in with us about a year ago, he and I have been together for 2 years.
On the day that Marven died, Bob got home right after Marven lost conciseness, I had already been on the phone with 911 for several minutes. After a few more minutes  passed the 911 operator wanted us to start CPR which Bob did but it was too late. Marven bled to death internally and I saw it happen, he was looking right at me and then just through me. . Life is so fragile.

Well as you can imagine my daughter was devastated, Marven has been like her other parent. With the loss of Roo last November and then Petey in March, this was too much. At the hospital where the ambulance took Marven while trying to save him in route, the doctors came out to tell us that he was already gone when he got there which we already knew, we saw it happen, the paramedics kept doing chest compressions but we knew he was gone. After the doctors walked away Haley looked at me and asked "What did they say?", all that doctor lingo had her confused. So I told her that Marven didn't make it and she just started crying instantly. She walked in circles for a moment and then sat down in one of the seats in the waiting area. She took a deep breath and through her sobs looked at me and said "I am really getting sick of this".

The way she said was so damn cute, heart breaking but at the same time I had to almost smile at her because I understood because I was sick of it too but she said it so cute that you couldn't help but smile at her. We got through the evening, it was tragic but as always we pulled it together because we knew that this was exactly how Marven wanted to go....quickly. It's been a tough week though because the everyday routine is broken, he was very much a part of our everyday lives, he was like my other kid most of the time because I took care of him as he had a few medical problems and so it was day in and day out like with a kid. It's difficult and it is difficult for Haley too so.......

We adopted 2 kittens.

I know, sounds crazy but nothing can heal your heart and bring joy back into your life the way kittens can. And besides, they are rescue kitties, the ones I told you about around a month ago. They are the ones that were dropped off by my friend Sandy's house, one of them is the one I had to climb a tree to get that day. You can read their story "here"

 So is it working? I think so... Here see for yourself....

His name was Zebra but Haley changed it to Tigger because of Roo, our sweet boy that died last November.

I know Haley is going to have to work through this sooner or later but the kid has just been through so much. Her Grammy died a couple of years ago also and they were so close too, I mean the kid has been through it.

And I have too.

So she gets Tigger and I get Monkey he is the one I got from the tree, I have named him Monkey, because he acts like a Monkey and we met in a tree. LOL


I keep asking myself if this was really a good decision right now....seems like an odd time to be adopting babies but then I see Haley all curled up with Tigger and I know she needs him right now and he needs her too...I mean some creep just dropped him off on the street and I know it had to be so scary. They both needed to be rescued I think and this is Haley's first kitten...all of our other cats are her age and older so she doesn't remember their kittenhood.

As for me...nothing is going to take away the pain I feel right now over losing Marven, he was a great friend and someone who really helped me in so many ways to get to the place where I am now in my life. I will always cherish his memory and I know I will miss him always.

Last night, after I went to bed I felt something next to me, My Mikey was already next to me on my other side and when I looked there was Monkey, he jumped over me and curled up next to Mikey and I...his little purr was so loud that it made Mikey purr and he is deaf....he could feel the vibration. I looked at both of my sweet boys and felt blessed.

Life is beyond fragile, it scares me sometimes, especially now after watching how fast Marven left this world. We really have to cherish every moment  that we can get in this life because we really don't know if tomorrow is going to be here or not.

As for our new kittens, I think we all needed each other and that is always something very special because we also need to take every moment of happiness that comes our way because I think that is what this place is all about. Seems like such a risk to love because losing hurts so much, yet we continue to put our hearts out there because choosing to love is always worth the risk of losing....always.

Marven Stroh
March 24, 1940 - July 26, 2012
Rest my Friend

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And this is what you left me

Dear Patrick,

It's been almost 4 years but it feels like longer since I saw you last. I struggle to bring that night back, it's slipping away from me, I don't want to remember, but I don't want to forget either.  I feel haunted by the words you left me. I will never know why you did this to yourself or why you would do this to me. Maybe it's not meant for me to know but I am sentenced just the same.
Today is only a reminder of a lifetime of these days. You are gone but you have left me with this, I get to hold it and carry it because if I let it go...
I can't let it go
How do I put this behind me? How do I forget that you died here? How do I ever make this right in my head? Even saying it hurts like hell. You didn't die here you killed yourself here and there is a difference. Your Birthday is near and  I am suppose to remember you on that day but it will be like any other day, it will be no different than yesterday, it hurt then and it hurts now it hurts everyday and it will hurt for the rest of my life.

And this is what you left me.



Patrick Brian Williams
June 12, 1965 - August 9, 2008

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